“They’ve cancelled all our clubs, I can’t see my friends, these assignments feel like busywork, I’m not even sure how long I’ll get to stay at college… what’s the point of doing anything?”

Good question.

What my students are really wondering- “How can I find motivation when it feels like everything is out of my control?”

I start by teaching my students that there are two kinds of motivation- extrinsic and intrinsic. Extrinsic motivation comes from the outside world in the form of a reward or punishment for a certain behavior (e.g., report card, a paycheck, winning a game, or getting grounded). Intrinsic motivation, on the other hand, comes from a desire within oneself to do something regardless of the outcome (e.g., reading a book for enjoyment, exercising because it feels good).

Intrinsic motivation is what drives a person to keep going and be resilient when the outside world delivers disappointments or setbacks.

When everything in a person’s outside world “seems” out of control, intrinsic motivation starts to disappear.

This is why I love the self-awareness exercise described below. It regularly helps my students redirect their attention towards what they can control versus what they cannot. As a result, they feel motivated to keep moving towards their goals. So how is this done?

Explain the goal

Acknowledge to your child that a lot of things in the outside world feel out of their control right now. Many people are finding it tough to motivate themselves. Therefore, you are going to try an activity together that will help you see the many things that are in your control every day.

Create the visual

Draw a large circle. Then draw a smaller circle inside the large one (I like to do this on Google Docs using the drawing feature). Note- you will be writing in both circles so make sure the size is large enough.

Reflect on the day, week, month

In the larger circle, ask your child to write everything that feels out of their control (or you can write for them). There are no wrong answers, everything should go down at first. With teenagers, doing this activity side-by-side (i.e., filling in your own set of circles while your teen completes their own) can be a powerful perspective-taking opportunity; your teen may not realize what you are feeling.

Shift the focus

In the smaller circle write the things that you can control. Kids will often need some prompting for ideas at first. Start simple- Who picks out your clothes, decides what snacks you eat, what games you play? Then move a little deeper- Who controls if you look at your homework, log onto your classes, talk with a friend? Often times, kids realize that some of the things they initially wrote as being out of their control are actually in their control and move these things to the smaller circle (e.g., Making new friends or turning in a chemistry assignment).

Review regularly

Hang or save this diagram in a highly visible place (e.g., computer wallpaper, refrigerator, bedroom door) and add to it. Many of my teenage students start their day by writing down three things that they can control. It works!

A Recent Example (modified for confidentiality)

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