Pressing Pause to Focus on the Positive

“What is one positive thing that happened to you today?”

This “seemingly simple” question is how I start sessions with my students. When I first learned of this mindfulness exercise three years ago, I thought it would be easy for most of my students. I was wrong.

Even my most upbeat students struggled to come up with one good thing in their day, week, or sometimes month. In contrast, coming up with two, three, or even five things that were going wrong was easy for everyone. The negative came naturally.

Teaching kids and teenagers how to recognize and verbalize the positive (i.e., gratitude) became the new goal.

Fast forward to the current situation, a global pandemic, a time when all of us are struggling to see glimmers of positivity through the sadness and uncertainty. With my students scrambling to understand new learning platforms and social distancing, I did not expect them to see anything positive. Once again, I was wrong.

Right now, many students are telling me not one but several good things in their days. Some are reaching out in between our sessions to share an accomplishment.

My students are seeking out people and platforms to communicate something positive, something joyful, something funny. They’ve been practicing for this. They are ready for this. Why?

Acute stress negatively affects the part of our brain responsible for flexible thinking, problem solving, planning, and attention (i.e., the frontal lobe). This makes it easy to hyper-focus on a negative situation. Yet research shows that people who practice “pressing pause” to direct their attention on something positive become less reactive and more resilient over time. As Dr. Christopher Willard wrote in his book Mindfulness for Teen Anxiety, “Mindfulness isn’t about calming the storm; it is about finding the calm in the storm.” So how do you start?

Explain and model

Before starting with your family, explain that you are each going to take a turn answering the question, “What is something positive that happened to you today?” For the first few times, an adult should go first to model how to answer the question. Have fun. There are no right or wrong answers (making an amazing pizza bagel for lunch totally works). It is fine if someone says the same thing for multiple days in a row. Listening to everyone’s answers will be reassuring and encouraging for all of you.

Try doing it together

Making this question part of a family routine around the same time each day is best. However, during unpredictable or busy times, squeeze it in whenever you can. Dinner time, before or after playing a game, in the car, anytime you are all together works.

Simplify the question

The word “positive” is abstract and may be too difficult for some kids (or adults) to comprehend. No problem. You can always rephrase the question. “What is something that made you feel happy today?” or “What is something that made you smile?” A last resort for teenagers, “What was something that wasn’t awful about today?”

Add on a “Why?”

After practicing this question for a few days (or weeks), you can up the level and start asking, “Why was this positive?” Communicating why something was positive or made you feel happy builds gratitude and resilience.

Even when times are tough hopeful moments can happen from pressing pause to focus on something positive.

A recent example from a student…

The Positive: “My sister and I got to try kangaroo jumping boots.”

The Why: “It was fun to be silly together, usually when she’s home from college she doesn’t have time to do these things with me.”